How do you and your partner handle conflict? Does it get out of hand? Do you go to bed angry and pretend like everything is okay in the morning? Do you apologize afterward? There are lots of ways couples deal, or don’t deal, with conflict. John Gottman, PhD recommends using repair attempts to help deescalate the tension. Repair attempt refers to any statement or action- silly
or otherwise- that prevents negativity from escalating out of control. This helps couples stay in dialogue together and remain connected in the midst of conflict. Take this questionnaire below to assess your use of repair attempts in your own relationship.
REPAIR ATTEMPTS
Read each statement and place a check mark in the appropriate TRUE or FALSE box.
| DURING OUR ATTEMPTS TO RESOLVE CONFLICT: | RESPONSE |
| We are good at taking breaks when we need them. | True False |
| When I apologize, it usually gets accepted by my partner. | True False |
| I can say that I am wrong. | True False |
| I am pretty good at calming myself down. | True False |
| Even when arguing, we can maintain a sense of humor. | True False |
| When my partner says we should talk to each other in a different way, it usually makes a lot of sense. | True False |
| My attempts to repair our discussions when they get negative are usually effective. | True False |
| We are pretty good listeners even when we have different positions on things. | True False |
| If things get heated, we can usually pull out of it and change things. | True False |
| My spouse is good at soothing me when I get upset. | True False |
| I feel confident that we can resolve most issues between us. | True False |
| When I comment on how we could communicate better, my spouse listens to me. | True False |
| Even if things get hard at times, I know we can get past our differences. | True False |
| We can be affectionate even when we are disagreeing. | True False |
| Teasing and humor usually work with my spouse for getting over negativity. | True False |
| We can start all over again and improve our discussions. | True False |
Source: Gottman, J. M., Ph.D. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY. Three Rivers Press.